Rated R

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
So I didnt get the job
Recruiter said I did great but they found other people that were a better fit for the job. AKA I am overqualified. Duh that was part of the reason I was trying to get the job.
I am really having a tough time with this. I know I should be EXTREMELY thankful that I have a job there are hundreds of thousands of people who wish they were in my shoes. My main beef is that I bust my butt and get nothing but a paycheck for it. Oh and some great benefits. So I took advantage of one of those benefits (being salary) and left work and came home. WHY am I so upset? I should be thankful. There are things that I love about my job that I would have really missed. I just wish I felt like what I do really mattered. That people appreciated the effort and time that I put in on a daily basis. I wish someone would say thank you for collecting over 420k last month. Why is it that you are only recognized when your not doing a good job? There are so many things that frustrate me about my job and I wish with all my heart that I could just let it go and not personalize and take it personally. I wish I DIDNT GIVE A FUCK. There is a reason for this. Whether I know it now or not there is a reason. Maybe its so I have a job that is secure enough to allow me to look for and purchase my own home. I have another appointment Wednesday. Maybe I just need to have my DR write me a RX for something else that has a little more effect on my negative attitude. I want to be positive I DO. I cant figure out why I cant be.
Seriously we have ONE shot at this. ONE no do overs at the end and I really hate to think that this is really all there is for me. I dont want this to be as good as it gets. I want to matter. To know what I feel and how I think and what I do means SOMETHING TO SOMEONE. If not why the fuck even bother?